The Bonds That Break

Carl and I are close. Not just like we like hanging out close but close in a way that makes us almost inseparable. I liken it to what I imagine is a similar bond between an adopted child and his/her mother. Let me correct myself, I liken it to what I hope is a similar bond between an adopted child and his/her mother. Sometimes I am grateful that I do not have any biological children. The pain I feel when Carl is gone or hurt or sad... it is a physical pain. And if what they say is true, that nothing can compare to the bond between a biological parent and their offspring... well, I'm not sure I could survive that. The bond we share though only highlights the lack of a bond Carl has with his biological mother. Far from gleeful, I am saddened and disheartened by this void in both their lives. It is a very difficult for me to understand so I can only imagine what thoughts must go through Carl's little psyche. I know it hurts him that he is not close with his mother. Both my husband and I have tried so hard over the years to draw the two closer together but our efforts have all been one sided. Carl's mother prefers to bond with herself, so to speak. And while I want to believe that she loves Carl deeply in her own way; I'm afraid she simply loves herself more. Carl's mother's name is Winter. She is the polar opposite of me in every way. We share a love of Starbucks, reading, and sarcasm. The similarities stop there. Carl is the product of a casual relationship of two people who had nothing in common as well. I used to say Winter was a little bird with a broken wing that I rushed to help... only to find that the bird had teeth and liked to bite. Perhaps that is an unfair picture but it feels pretty balanced to me and many other people who have been bitten as well. She's given us, but more importantly Carl, a real run for our money this past decade. I have never met anyone like her. And while I still try to help her, I am wary of being bit. For many years, I pushed the relationship between Carl and Winter. I helped Carl get and give elaborate gifts for every holiday. I covered for Winter when she let Carl down yet again. I outright did things for Carl that I allowed Winter to take credit for. I ran myself rampant trying to give Carl the relationship with Winter that he so desperately wanted. Winter was neither present nor accounted for and Carl began to be angry at me rather than focusing on his biomom. -I- had lied to him by covering for her. -I- had made promises that weren't mine to keep. I had assured him of a love and desire from his biomom that he questioned. And slowly Winter's relationship with her son began to tarnish mine with Carl as well. I had to cut the cancer out. So where does my need to help the little bird, find the love that Carl so desperately wants from Winter, and protect my family find balance? Very simply, it doesn't. My priorities simply shifted from focusing on Winter to focusing on what Carl needs. I adopted a policy of brutal honesty with Winter and strict boundaries. I help Carl express his love without pushing and simply listen to his disappointments without judgment. Above all, I do not make promises that are someone else's to keep. Beyond support, I no longer try to "fix" Carl and Winter's relationship. It was never mine to fix anyway no matter how much I may have wanted to heal that hurt for Carl. Carl and I are still extremely close. I am the only adult in his life that doesn't need a translator when he speaks and I get all his inside jokes. His sense of humor is my own and I see my mannerisms expressed in him. He is a wonderful child. I do hope one day his biomom sees that and cherishes it as her own too. She may not want these moments but they are my life's little treasures. Perhaps one day she'll come around. Until then, I'll love him for her.